Column: Rawlins On Kids, Phones & More

[Opinion column written by Chardonaé Rawlins]

If you’re parenting a child or teenager right now, chances are you’ve wondered, maybe quietly, maybe out loud, whether screens are taking over your child’s life. The phone that never seems to leave their hand. The mood shifts when it’s taken away. The arguments that feel bigger than they should be.

Many parents jump straight to one word: addiction.

But what if that word, while understandable, misses what’s really happening?

Why it feels so compelling: the brain piece

Social media platforms are not neutral tools. They are carefully designed environments built around one central principle: keep the user engaged for as long as possible. At the heart of this design is dopamine.

Dopamine is often misunderstood as the “pleasure chemical,” but it’s more accurate to think of it as the brain’s motivation system. Dopamine doesn’t say, “This makes me happy.” It says, “Pay attention. This matters. Do this again.”

Every notification, like, comment, streak, or new video triggers a small dopamine release. That release reinforces the behavior, training the brain to seek the experience again and again. For adults, this loop is powerful. For children and adolescents whose brains are still developing it’s even more so.

The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and long-term decision-making are still under construction well into the mid-20s. Meanwhile, the reward system is highly active. This imbalance makes children especially vulnerable to quick, predictable sources of stimulation.

Add stress, boredom, anxiety, social pressure, or loneliness and the phone becomes more than entertainment. It becomes a coping strategy.

So when a child struggles to put their phone down, it’s often not defiance or disrespect. It’s a nervous system that has learned, “This helps me feel better, even if only for a moment.”

But the deeper impact goes beyond dopamine

The real concern isn’t just how social media affects the brain, it’s how it shapes identity.

Childhood and adolescence are periods of intense identity formation. Young people are constantly asking:

• Who am I?
• Do I matter?
• Where do I belong?

Social media doesn’t just provide answers to those questions; it quantifies them. Worth becomes measurable. Belonging becomes visible. Validation becomes public.

Likes, views, followers, and comments quietly teach children powerful lessons:

• You are worthy when you are noticed.
• You belong when you are included.
• You are successful when you perform well enough for others.

For tweens, whose self-esteem is still fragile, this can create early dependence on external validation.

For teens, it can fuel comparison, perfectionism, anxiety, and fear of rejection.

Moments that once would have been fleeting, an awkward phase, a mistake, being left out now feel permanent and highly visible. And for a developing nervous system, that kind of pressure can be overwhelming.

Why control alone doesn’t work

When parents respond by clamping down, taking phones away without conversation or understanding the behavior often doesn’t disappear. It goes underground.

Children learn to hide apps, create alternate accounts, or disconnect emotionally from the adults trying to help them. Power struggles replace trust. And the opportunity to teach healthy skills is lost.

This doesn’t mean boundaries are wrong. Boundaries are essential. But boundaries without context, connection, and skill-building rarely lead to long-term change.

Children don’t learn regulation through restriction alone, they learn it through relationships.

What children actually need

Children and teens don’t need unlimited access, and they don’t need complete removal. What they need is guidance from adults who understand both the science and the emotional reality of growing up online.

They need help developing:

• Emotional awareness
• Coping strategies that don’t rely solely on screens
• A sense of worth that isn’t tied to performance or visibility
• Critical thinking about what they consume
• Clear, consistent, developmentally appropriate boundaries

They also need adults willing to ask different questions:

• What is my child getting from their phone that they’re not getting elsewhere?
• What feelings are they managing through screens?
• How can I support them without shaming or escalating conflict?

And perhaps most importantly, they need adults who are willing to learn alongside them.

Exposure is happening earlier than ever

Waiting until adolescence to talk about social media is no longer realistic. Children are being exposed earlier, often before they have the emotional language or regulation skills to make sense of what they’re seeing.

This means conversations about technology, worth, boundaries, and identity must start early and evolve as children grow. Not as lectures. Not as threats. But as an ongoing, honest dialogue.

Where families can begin

There is no single solution, but meaningful change often starts with:

• Creating family tech plans collaboratively, rather than enforcing rules in isolation
• Talking openly about how apps are designed and how they affect the brain
• Separating screen use from shame focusing on understanding instead of punishment
• Modeling balanced, intentional technology use as adults
• Knowing when outside support is needed

You don’t have to navigate this alone

At Simply Bloom, this is the work we do every day, supporting parents and children in understanding what’s beneath the behavior and helping families navigate technology in ways that protect mental health, connection, and development.

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move forward, support is available. You can learn more or reach out at www.bloombda.com or email hello@bloombda.com

This isn’t about taking phones away. It’s about helping children grow up with a sense of worth, belonging, and identity that isn’t defined by a screen.

And that starts with informed, compassionate adults who are willing to look deeper and lead differently.

- Chardonaé Rawlins

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Category: All, technology