Column: Roses Are Red, Red Flags Matter
[Written by the Centre Against Abuse]
A Valentine’s Day Reflection on Healthy Relationships
Valentine’s Day is often wrapped in images of roses, candlelight, and romance. It is a day that celebrates love in all its forms — between partners, families, and friends. At its best, love is rooted in respect, trust, kindness, and safety. It nurtures. It does not harm.
But Valentine’s Day also offers an important opportunity to talk about what love is not.
Love is not jealousy disguised as protection.
Love is not control disguised as concern.
Love is not pressure, coercion, intimidation, or fear.
Domestic abuse and sexual assault remain serious issues in Bermuda, and they often begin in subtle ways that can be mistaken for affection or intensity. As we celebrate love this month — which is also Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, the Centre Against Abuse [CAA] encourages our community to reflect on the foundations of healthy relationships and to recognise the early warning signs of abuse.
“Domestic abuse and sexual assault are not just criminal justice issues, they are public health issues that affect the emotional, physical, and psychological wellbeing of individuals and families, as well as s fundamental human rights violation of rights to life, safety, and dignity,” says Laurie Shiell, Executive Director of the Centre Against Abuse. “Healthy relationships promote safety and growth. Abusive relationships create fear, isolation, and harm.”
Abuse does not always begin with physical violence. It often starts with behaviours that may appear minor but escalate over time. Some early warning signs include:
- Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
- Monitoring your phone, social media, or whereabouts
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Pressuring you for sexual activity
- Belittling comments disguised as jokes
- Explosive anger followed by apologies and promises to change
“No one enters a relationship expecting it to become abusive,” says Ms. Shiell. “But patterns of control, manipulation, and coercion are not signs of passion, they are warning signs.”
Sexual assault within relationships is also widely misunderstood. Consent must be clear, informed, and freely given every time. It cannot be assumed, pressured, or coerced, even within dating or long-term relationships.
Valentine’s season often brings new connections, online dating, and renewed interest in companionship. CAA encourages individuals, particularly those beginning new relationships, to prioritise safety while getting to know someone.
Practical safety measures include:
- Meeting in public places for the first several dates
- Informing a trusted friend or family member about your plans
- Arranging your own transportation
- Avoiding sharing personal information too quickly [e.g. address, past details of self, etc]
- Trusting your instincts, discomfort is a signal worth listening to
- Inquire with others about that person’s past behaviours in relationships prior to agreeing to meet up
“Love should never require you to abandon your boundaries,” Ms. Shiell notes. “Taking your time and maintaining your independence are not signs of mistrust, they are signs of self-respect, boundaries, and standards.”
February is also Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, making this an especially important time for parents, caregivers, and educators to talk openly with young people about healthy relationships.
Teen dating abuse can include emotional manipulation, digital harassment, controlling behaviour, sexual pressure, and physical violence. In a digital age, abuse may also appear through constant texting demands, password sharing expectations, location tracking, or public shaming online.
“Our young people are forming beliefs about love very early,” says Ms. Shiell. “We must teach them that healthy love includes respect, communication, consent, and equality. Jealousy is not proof of love. Control is not commitment.”
As Bermuda seeks to strengthen its response to domestic abuse through coordinated community efforts and national strategies, community awareness remains essential.
Valentine’s Day should be a celebration of connection and care and not silence around harm.
“Love should feel safe,” Ms. Shiell says. “If someone feels afraid of the person they are dating or living with, that is not love. And they are not alone. Help is available.”
This Valentine’s Day, let us celebrate love, the kind that uplifts, protects, and honours dignity. And let us commit to speaking openly about the behaviours that threaten it.
The Centre Against Abuse provides confidential support, advocacy, and professional services for individuals affected by domestic abuse and sexual assault. Contact us on 292-4366, info@centreagainstabuse.bm, www.centreagainstabuse.bm, or via messenger on our Facebook or Instagram page.
- Centre Against Abuse
