Ending The ‘Hidden Secret’ Of Domestic Abuse
The Hamilton Rotary Club held a meeting this week, with speaker Laurie Shiell from The Centre Against Abuse covering the topic of ‘Bermuda’s Hidden Secrets,’ touching on the need to address domestic abuse, saying “only together can we end this secret.”
Ms Shiell said, “Jane is a 38 year old non-Bermudian female who works in an exempt company. Jane has her MBA, and leads a team of 10 underwriters. She is a member of a volley ball team and is the mother of a beautiful 5 year old daughter. She loves to sing karaoke with her friends; albeit she does not have a good singing voice.
“Jane has been married for 8 years to Dan, who is also a non-Bermudian, and an accountant with one of the major companies on the island. He is on the corporate giving team within his firm, he plays golf every chance he can get, and is well liked by everyone at work.
“He has a few close friends and at least once a quarter they meet up for drinks. Dan drops off his daughter to school every morning and is very active on the school PTA. Jane and Dan live in Paget, attend church as a family regularly, and at least twice a year they take a family trip.
“Does this sound like an abusive relationship?
“Shawn is a bus driver and has been an excellent employee for over 15 years. He works overtime whenever he can to assist with supporting his 2 children, whom he raises as a single parent. He was married for 6 years before his wife died 7 years ago. Shawn is an avid bridge player, and has played in the annual tournament for 5 straight years. He’s come close to winning it once.
“He has been in a relationship with Sarah for 2 years. This is his first relationship since his wife’s death. He is a Christian and he is looking to ask Sarah to marry him very shortly. He has already purchased the ring.
“Sarah has been divorced for 5 years and owns a pet grooming service. She has one son who is overseas in boarding school. Her ex-husband has remarried and left the island. She is an active member on two non-profit boards, and she helps her elderly neighbour with her grocery shopping and takes her for a car drive once a week.
“Sarah adores Shawn and admires how he raises his 2 children. She would love for the relationship to move toward marriage.
“Does this sound like an abusive relationship?
“Steven has been in a relationship with john for 8 years. They live together on a house boat. Steven is in construction and john is a detective. They met through mutual friends. They both love to fish and annually they travel to Belize and Costa Rica to fish in tournaments. Steven has a niece and nephew whom he adores and they spend at least 2 weekends a month with him and john on the boat. Steven and his family are very close, and have dinner together every Sunday.
“John is an only child, and lost his mother and father when he was young. He was raised by his aunt and uncle who have now left the island to live in Florida. He visits them every Christmas and talks to them at least once a week via Skype. John considers Steven’s family to be his family, and Steven’s family love john, and could not imagine Steven’s life without john.
“Does this sound like an abusive relationship?
“That’s the tricky thing about domestic abuse. Most times you cannot determine that it is occurring based on a few facts about a person. Normally you cannot look at a person and tell they are in an abusive relationship. You cannot determine an abuser or a survivor by their job, the sports they play, the company they keep, or the activities they are involved in.
“Most people do not proudly wear a shirt that says “I am domestic abuse survivor”, like cancer survivors wear. Both the abuser and the survivor, do an excellent job at keeping the abuse a secret. But at some point the secret is revealed.
“There is the neighbour that suspects abuse when they hear the continued fighting. A co-worker may suspect abuse when they see the decline in work performance. The friend may suspect abuse when they notice the change in self-esteem. And a teacher who sees the change in the student’s behaviour, may suspect abuse in the home.
“Now that the neighbour, co-worker, friend, and teacher suspect that there is an abusive relationship, what do many of them do?
“Many help to keep the secret, because they do not know what to do.
“I personally can honestly and shamefully say that I have been guilty of suspecting abuse with a coworker in the past, and I never said anything. I saw the bruises on her arm, which were clearly finger marks from someone gripping her, and I never said a word. I never asked her if she was alright. I never asked her if she wanted to talk. I never offered her any assistance. And I was her human resources manager. I aided her in keeping the secret.
“Many times we keep the secret because we do not know how to help, and some of us just do not want to get involved. As a society how do we bring awareness to the secret?
“Firstly, our society needs to stop making the topic of domestic abuse taboo. We need to talk about domestic abuse. We need to offer information sessions in our workplace, houses of worship, schools, and communities. By opening the discussions on this topic we encourage people to speak out. We give them an avenue to feel safe to tell their secret.
“Another way to release the secret as a society is to talk directly to the survivor and show them our concern about our suspicions. You may have to try this tactic several times before the person feels safe enough to confide in you. And when they do find the courage to tell you their story, please do not judge the survivor. Listen and believe what they tell you. Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault, and that you want to be there for them.
“I implore you to stop placing blame on the survivor for remaining in the abusive situation. The survivor remains for a variety of reasons, that are valid to them.
“Don’t force a survivor to leave, or criticise them for staying; although it is our desire for them to escape immediately.
“The decision to leave has to be theirs to make. Understand that research shows that an abused partner is at their greatest risk of abuse at the point of separation, and immediately after leaving an abusive partner. Survivors have to leave in a safe manner that protects them and their children.
“As a society we can focus on supporting the survivor and building their self confidence, being patient, and directing them to the Centre Against Abuse.
“Centre Against Abuse is the specialist organisation on the island for providing support to survivors of domestic abuse.
“The Centre Against Abuse is the only agency on the island that provides services to adult survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault. Yes we also service male survivors.
“Last year we assisted approximately 140 clients. 10 of our clients were male. We assisted 19 clients with obtaining domestic violence protection orders, 30 summary offence letters, and our clients were provided with counselling and education.
“We provided safe housing to 3 clients and assisted one client along with the help of the US consul’s office to resettle them safely overseas.
“The trend in the last three years has seen a drastic decline in requests for safe housing assistance, and we have seen an extreme increase in requests for protection orders and summary offence letters. Already this year we have assisted 16 of our clients with obtaining protection orders.
“In addition to our services offered to survivors, Centre Against Abuse offers education sessions to companies, schools, and community groups to bring awareness to domestic abuse and to diminish the taboo status and expose the secret in a supportive manner.
“Centre Against Abuse has worked hard over the years to ensure that we are doing right by our clients, as well as our donors and the community. And recently our hard work has been recognised, and I am extremely happy to report that this year we received our accreditation through the Bermuda national standards committee.
“It took a lot of hard work, but we are a better organisation because of the dedication that we made to put the time and effort into the process to better ourselves.
“In order for us to provide our services, we also need the financial assistance of the community. This year we were defunded by the Bermuda government, which means that we lost a $75,000 grant. The loss of this grant greatly jeopardises the services that we provide to our community.
“We have already cut our expenses to a shoe string budget, and we work with 2 full time employees in our office and 2 part time counselors.
“We do not want to close our doors as it would leave our community with no alternative, and the secret of domestic abuse would go back into its deep, dark, hole and grow.
“The survivors will have nowhere to turn, and the rate of harm and even death will increase.
“With statistics showing that 1 in 3 women experience abuse during their lifetime, we have no desire to see our community without our vital resource. But we require the financial support of donors to keep our doors open to service our community.
“Often times donors do not have a desire to give to domestic abuse as it is not an immediate feel good pleasure. Domestic abuse will never be a feel good thing. But knowing that your funding helped to assist a survivor with obtaining counselling, obtaining a protection order, and that this potentially saved a life, should bring a great deal of pride.
“Domestic abuse is not something that anyone asks for or deserves. Domestic abuse is not a woman’s issue. Domestic abuse is a human issue!
“We need to shed light on this secret to remove the shame that prevents most survivors from sharing their story and getting help. This can only be accomplished as a community. Centre Against Abuse can not do this on our own.
“Only together can we end this secret.”
Government, like all abusers, should be ashamed of themselves but for different reasons. This is one organization that should not have budget cuts. Abuse is something that affects many households and it comes in many forms and faces! Abusers are well known sportsman, executives, lawyers etc not just the lower class. Bermuda is very small, everyone knows everyone, so what is needed is for these abusers to be named and shamed!! They don’t care about the life long, life changing affect on the victim(s) or the consequences of their actions, so why should we care about protecting their identity! We wait until a court trial and verdict before we learn who they are from the media, often after something tragic has happened. We need some changes in our laws. Being seen and recognized as an abuser will make them think twice!!