Column: Arandjelovic On Comparison Trap
[Column written by Nadia Arandjelovic]
There is a particular kind of torture that comes from scrolling through Instagram when you are already feeling a little dissatisfied with your life. There she is, looking impossibly happy on her anniversary. Someone else has just launched the business you keep talking about starting. Another woman appears to have the body you would like to have. Someone is travelling somewhere beautiful. Someone else is buying a house. Someone’s children seem to be thriving. Someone has a career that looks exciting and an income that makes you wonder what exactly you are doing wrong.
And then there’s you, sitting on the sofa in yesterday’s clothes, wondering why your life doesn’t look like that.
Of course, we know better. We know Instagram is a highlight reel. We know people don’t generally post the arguments, disappointments, debt, anxiety, loneliness or uncertainty. We know that a beautifully photographed life can still be a complicated one. And yet knowing this doesn’t always stop us from comparing.
I think the more interesting question is: What happens when comparison becomes a measurement of our own worth?
I haven’t always been a particularly jealous person. But there was a period of roughly five to seven years when I became surprisingly envious of a few women in my life. Looking back, I can see that the jealousy wasn’t really about them. It was about me. I was unhappy with my own life. I didn’t feel particularly seen or appreciated in some of my relationships. I didn’t feel proud of the way I was showing up. And, if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t really like myself very much. So when I looked at someone else who seemed to have something I wanted, it hurt.
At the time, I probably would have told you that she was the problem. She was lucky. She had more. Her life was easier. But eventually I had to look underneath the jealousy and ask myself a much harder question: What is this actually showing me about my own life? That question changed things. Because sometimes what we envy isn’t actually the thing we think we want.
Maybe you don’t want her marriage. Maybe you want to feel deeply loved. Maybe you don’t want her body. Maybe you want to feel comfortable and confident in your own. Maybe you don’t want her business. Maybe you want autonomy, creative freedom or the satisfaction of building something that belongs to you. Maybe you don’t even want her life. You want the way you imagine she feels in her life.
And that is a very different thing.
I don’t think jealousy makes us bad people. Sometimes, it is simply a signpost pointing towards something that matters to us. The problem comes when we use someone else’s life as evidence that ours isn’t good enough. That is a losing game because there will always be someone further ahead, wealthier, thinner, more successful, more admired, more adventurous or seemingly more put together. There is no finish line.
What helped me was learning to separate what I admired from what I actually wanted. That distinction gave me something I could work with. Instead of asking, Why doesn’t my life look like hers? I could ask, What is it about her life that is stirring something in me?
Maybe the answer was: freedom, connection, recognition, adventure, appreciation.
Or simply wanting to feel more like myself again. Those are things I could actually do something about. And I did.
It wasn’t quick or particularly glamorous. It required me to confront some uncomfortable truths about myself, change some relationships, make different choices and take responsibility for the parts of my life that weren’t working.
I’m certainly not perfect now. But I am proud of the woman I’ve become and the life I’ve built—not because it looks better than anyone else’s, but because I know how much I had to confront to build it. So the next time you feel that familiar little stab of envy while scrolling through someone else’s life, don’t immediately judge yourself for it.
Pause. Ask yourself: What exactly am I admiring?
Then ask: Do I actually want that thing—or do I want what I believe that thing represents?
And finally: What is one intentional step I could take towards creating more of that in my own life?
Because someone else’s chapter isn’t proof that yours is behind. It is simply theirs. And perhaps the goal isn’t to stop looking at other people’s lives altogether. Perhaps it’s to become curious enough about our own that we don’t need theirs to tell us whether we’re doing okay.
If you’re ready to stop measuring your life against someone else’s and start getting clear about what you actually want, I’d love to help. Get in touch at nadia@shebuildsagain.org. Sometimes, the life we’re longing for begins with getting honest about what we’re really longing for—and taking one small step towards it.
- Nadia Arandjelovic
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