Column: The Invisible Mental Load
[Column written by Nadia Arandjelovic]
There is a particular kind of tiredness that doesn’t necessarily come from doing too much.
It comes from having to remember too much: the dentist appointment, the school form, the birthday present, the groceries, the bill that needs paying, the family event, the work deadline, the child who has outgrown their shoes, the friend going through a hard time, the holiday plans — and the thing your husband mentioned three weeks ago that he needs you to remind him about.
For many women, particularly mothers, this is the invisible part of keeping a family and a life running. You may not physically be doing every task, but you are often the person thinking about the task before it happens. And that is work too.
I know this feeling well. There have been seasons of my life when I could look at everything I was managing and technically say, “It’s fine.”
In my early 30s, I was a mum with an active toddler, running my own small PR business and trying to keep up with multiple clients, deadlines and projects. On top of that, I was creating a faith-based magazine — a passion project I cared deeply about but was squeezing into the margins of an already-full life.
There was Sunday church and Tuesday small group. Rent, bills and the general cost of living in Bermuda. Family commitments. Appointments. Birthdays. The never-ending list of things that need to be remembered when you’re responsible for a small person who cannot, in fact, remember anything for themselves.
None of it seemed extraordinary on its own.
But altogether, it was a lot.
That’s the tricky thing about mental load. It rarely arrives as one enormous thing that makes you stop and say, I can’t do this anymore. It accumulates quietly — one appointment, deadline, obligation and “I’ll take care of it” at a time.
Looking back, I don’t think I was necessarily doing too much of everything. I was simply carrying too many things in my head at once.
And I know I’m not alone. So many women are incredibly capable at making things happen that we can become the default person who holds everything together. The problem is that being capable can disguise the fact that you’re overwhelmed.
You keep saying yes because you can. You remember because nobody else does. You organise because it’s easier than explaining. You take care of it because you know it will get done properly.
Until one day, you realise you have become very good at managing everyone else’s lives — while having very little idea what you actually want for your own.
So I want to suggest a simple exercise: do a mental-load inventory.
Take a piece of paper and write down everything currently occupying space in your head. Not just the things you physically do, but the things you remember, anticipate, organise, worry about and follow up on.
Then ask:
Does this actually need to be done? If not, delete it.
Does it have to be done by me? If not, delegate it.
Am I doing this because it still matters, or because that’s simply how it has always been done? Maybe it’s time to renegotiate it.
Then ask one more question: What would I make room for if I wasn’t carrying all of this?
Not what you should do with the extra time. Not what productive thing you could squeeze into the gap. What would you actually want?
More rest? A creative project? Time with your husband? A business idea? Exercise? Travel? A career change? Or simply sitting down without someone needing something from you?
Sometimes the first step towards figuring out your next chapter isn’t adding another goal to the list. It’s taking something off it.
You are allowed to build a life where you are not responsible for everything. And you are allowed to discover that underneath all the things you do for everyone else, there is still a woman with her own wants, ambitions and dreams.
- If you’re ready to make a little space for those things, I created my free Design My Next Quarter Worksheet to help you step back, get clear on what matters and decide where you want to focus your energy over the next 90 days.
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